Sunday, November 8, 2009

Where have all the real vampires gone?


A redneck bar in a redneck town in the deep south. We know this due to the proliferation of Confederate flags, checked shirts, thick necks and thicker PATRONS who eat fried chicken wings, mention ‘Noo Awlins' and ‘Katrina' every second sentence and listen to a juke box that has yet to discover the 60s let alone anything modern.

Welcome to Mauvais Choix, Louisiana, population 1,023 ... of the living variety. Yep, this is Vampire territory ... and where the Undead congregate you will always find ...

... dewy-eyed, female teenagers, specifically JOSIE-MAY WHEELER, all of 17 who sits with her two friends whose names are of no consequence. One wears a tight top that says "Bite Me", the other sports healed puncture marks on her neck. They titter and blush as teenagers do in the presence of ...

... CEDRIC MAYWEATHER, age 184, and simply the most exquisite looking Vampire the good lord put on this earth. Even a casual glance towards their booth sends the teenagers all a twitter.

Girl of no consequence #1: Go on Josie-May, go talk to him.
Josie-May: I don't know, he looks kind of ... pasty. How old you reckon he is?
Girl of no consequence #2: Girlfriend, who cares, you need a date for the prom.
Josie-May: You go ask him then.
Girl of no consequence #2: I already got me a bloodsucker, a right nasty one too.
Josie-May: I thought you were going out with Billy-Bob Boyd?
Girl of no consequence #1: Josie-May, if you ain't doing it with a vamp, you ain't doing it at all.

Fearful of being socially ostracised Josie-May gathers up her courage and approaches Cedric.

Josie-May: I don't mean to disturb you or nothing but -
Cedric: Have a seat.
Josie-May: You mind if I ask you something?
Cedric: You want to see my fangs, that it?
Josie-May: No, god no ... I was wondering if, like, do you, I mean, this is so embarrassing ... but can you ... with a woman?
Cedric: Yes I can.
Josie-May: Really? I've heard stories and all but -

SNAP. Josie-May's head dangles from her neck. Cedric twists it further until blood GUSHES from the carotid artery. He leans forward to feed ravenously, blood-drenched FANGS prominent.

Josie-May's friends look on in horror.

Cedric: Want to double-date?

CLICK as a shotgun round goes into the chamber. Cedric turns to see the bar owner, THADDEUS, who points the weapon at the vampire's chest.

Thaddeus: Goddamn it Cedric, not while I'm serving ma fried wings.
Cedric: Give me a break Thaddeus, it's prom week.
Thaddeus: I'm gonna to have to axe you to leave.
Cedric: Perhaps you young ladies would care to accompany me?

The girls of no consequence SCREAM and hightail it out of there.

Cedric: Guess not. Mind if I take a doggy bag?

Thaddeus nods. Cedric grabs the lifeless Josie-May by the arm and drags her towards the exit ...

* yes, I know the dialogue isn't in the correct script format ...

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