Ah, it's a pleasant fantasy. So, what the hell, let's continue with it:
CHAT SHOW HOST: So Richard, what's been happening since you were here last?
ME: You want the long or the short of it?
CHS: Do we need the seven second delay again?
ME: Settle down.
CHS: I'm saying, this is a family show.
ME: Since when?
CHS: Okay, it's not but last time you were here you dumped all over the funding bodies.
ME: No, that was Burleigh.
CHS: Told a film critic to *beep* off.
ME: That was Jimmy.
CHS: Recounted the last time you were *beeped* with your pants on.
ME: Okay, I'll give you that one, that was definitely me.
CHS: Any good news?
ME: Well, I had to shelve a short film script.
CHS: That's good?
ME: No, that's terrible.
CHS: What happened?
ME: I had a director all lined up. Wasn't eligible for funding. Found another director who may have been. Then a producer came on board who could have been.
CHS: Should have all been fine then...
ME: Yeah, except director number two pulled out.
ME: I thought you said this was a family show?
CHS: I lied.
ME: The script was sent out to a couple more directors who liked it but said they didn't connect with it.
CHS: What does that mean?
ME: They didn't know how to tell the producer they thought it was *beeeeeeeep*
CHS: Is it?
ME: No, not at all. But there were no takers before the deadline so now it sits gathering dust on my computer.
CHS: You really should dust your computer regularly. I'm serious. Plays havoc with the fan which overheats the hard drive which causes--
ME: It's in a drawer.
CHS: On your computer?
ME: Anyway, there's another short script.
CHS: How's this one going?
CHS: You workshopped the idea with actors?
ME: No, the idea came out of improvised scenes performed by the actors.
CHS: That's a bit pedantic, isn't it?
ME: So sue me, I'm a writer.
CHS: Big royalty cheques?
ME: *Beep* you!
CHS: Okay, you write this script from various improvised scenes...
ME: Then the actors workshop the draft.
CHS: And make changes?
CHS: That doesn't make your head explode?
ME: They didn't scribble all over it in crayon.
ME: I had a couple of quibbles but they didn't change the structure. Not at all. So I was fine with it.
CHS: That's very mature of you.
ME: Thank you. They even added an extra twist.
CHS: The butler did it?
ME: No, the uncle. But that wasn't the twist.
CHS: What was the twist?
ME: You'll have to sleep on it.
CHS: Was that an in-joke?
ME: You bet!
CHS: What happens now?
ME: You show clips of my past films and the audience applauds?
CHS: No, I meant with this script.
ME: I sent it to a director I work with.
ME: Not since the last time I checked.
CHS: It's the same director from the other script?
ME: The one in the drawer?
ME: He has, in fact, agreed to direct it.
CHS: What about government funding?
ME: Don't need it. Why? One word... co-production.
CHS: Is that really one word?
ME: Now who's being pedantic?
CHS: It is my show.
CHS: It's currently a dead baby?
ME: I was talking metaphorically.
CHS: Sounds like it's literally a done deal.
ME: Apparently they met today.
CHS: How'd that go?
ME: How would I know? I'm only the writer.
CHS: I'm out of questions.
ME: Just as well. I was starting to think you were some sort of clunky writer's device.
CHS: Thought it would make a nice change around here.
ME: Okay, now it sounds like you're simply parroting the thoughts of the writer.
CHS: Is that so bad?
ME: Say goodnight Richard.
CHS: Good night, Richard.
JG: And that's how the Q&A went down. Remember to hit the subscribe button on iTunes and--
ME: That's enough inside references, Jeff. Okay?
To be continued...